but i blame the weather for my general down attitude... i think i'm dealing with some seasonal depression along with another bout of homesickness and even a little bit culture shock (it goes in waves)... i'm also struggling with a small cold and ear infections (i have so many of these... blah!)
i do love denmark but i miss people... i feel like in room has trapped me... my dorm has taken control... because i hate the crappy weather on my bike... nothing is green and everything is grey and covered with snow... except the most of the roads and bike paths now (finally)...
i fear going outside... everyone who knows me understand's my clumsy behavior!... i haven't killed myself yet but the entire time i'm on ice all i can think of is... 'dont die dont die dont die...you can stay on your bike you can stay on your bike... the ice will not win... the ice will not win... etc..."
it feels pathetic that my biggest accomplishments for the day are getting out of my dorm... not dying on my bike... and silly things like running errands... grocery shopping is a HUGE accomplishment in my day but then i think about how my life was pre-denmark... these things were bumps in my day not the highlight and definitely not an accomplishment...
i never knew i was so driven by stress... so driven by the crazy life i led being too busy to see straight... in all the stress with all the people around me... i was happier than i feel right now... i'm bored... and i don't have the motivation to get out of bed to go to class... i'm a terrible student especially this semester...
i am taking 3 very boring classes... the teachers don't help by putting everything on 'blackboard' (e-classroom tool for posting powerpoint presentations, etc...) i can do everything in my little box of a room that i can get out of class... and when i actually go to class i bring my computer to take notes on the powerpoint slides they are talking about... but somehow i end up surfing the web when the teacher gets off on a random tangent (which happens often)... i feel bad... but i just can't force myself to pay attention for very long... and i only focus on the things that are said poorly in english... i know it isn't their fault but a friend of mine and i get distracted and end up teasing about it and loosing all interest in the lecture...
i'm currently working on sending in a job application for the danish equivalent of starbucks... Barasso... i really miss my job... i was good at it... i had lots of people to talk to about random events... there were some bad days but in general i loved that job... i still think about the people i made friends with... i remember their crazy drinks and how much i really ended up loving that job... so my current goal is to get a job here as a barista... and maybe find a way to be more busy... have responsibilities... because lets face it... i'm a bum... and it is slowly driving me crazy...
so anyways... i'm struggling... but i'm trying anything i can think of... candles... plants (that are dying slowly... my stupid black thumb!)... i'm cooking... i've even gone out with friends... i'm at the music library for the 2nd time this week... but i'm trying... but missing people back home and green things... so that is my up & down life right now...
i am excited for my mom to come see me... we are going to switzerland (check another country off my list)... and then back to amsterdam for tulip goodness! :) but it has been a lot of planning and a have a lot to sort out as far as special scenic trains go... but i'll get it taken care of in the next little while...
so today is grey grey grey... i'm sick of grey... i like to wear grey but i don't like to see it outside... i heard it is supposed to be very stormy today and for the next few days... and my response... 'of course'... :-( boooo snow go back to wyoming where they expect to have you!!!!
but enough of my rant.... i am lonely and sick of the weather... but i hope in time... it will pass...
i must say that the music library has become my safe haven of happy feelings... i'm surrounded by music... and in a place bigger than my room... filled with other people who are searching for great music... there are huge windows here... which also helps... even though right now i'm watching flurries of snow and cursing them...
today i got my haircut... wooot... pretty excited it needed some help it was just becoming too much! i feel more european with a choppy layered haircut... and while it was pricey it was totally worth it... the hairdresser i got was so fun!... :) we talked a bunch... it was funny to hear from his point of view that odense is the 'farming town'... oh honey you don't know crazy small farming town that doesn't like outsiders! i also love meeting people who want to use their english! makes me feel better... i don't feel so bad talking to them when they want to speak in english... it was interesting to hear what he had to say about how he was treated as an outsider... because he was from the middle east... it was funny to see how he thought that people here in odense were like some people i know... afraid of different people... because they have never been around them... where as copenhagen it is different... sort of like denver... many more people of different ethnicities... and denmark is still a very white dominated country and yes some people move here for the benefits and take advantage of the system... but not all of them... and it was nice to talk because i think that every place has this problem... and it is good to talk about... and see different sides of... i'm lucky i look like a dane if i'm just on the street not speaking but i like to hear how people react if i did look different... i just think it helps me grow as more open person... and better human being... people cannot be stereotyped... they can be put into a general category most of the time because of similar experiences but i love to meet people that reassure you that not everyone has to be the stereotype. :)
oh the snow outside... boo... but happy haircut... and happy listening to la traviata! :)
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